Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Motherhood - A different perspective


I was browsing Facebook and saw this post. Now I know the majority of you, if not all, are nodding your heads in agreement to everything on this list.
Me? It inspired me to write a blog post about how much of this is NOT true for me as a mother of 2 children (one almost 9 years and the other... well you should know already if you're reading this).

1. Sure, I've cried. More so with my first than with the second. And not just because there's more time, either. By this time in Rayne's life, I had shed WAY more tears! I was not enjoying myself...
I will not go as far to say as my children MADE me cry, however. I feel that gives them a responsibility that they should not have. I chose to cry because of whatever particular situation was overwhelming at the moment.

2. ...This is a BIG NOPE! If I want that last piece of pie, then I will have it! At the most, I will express that I want it and maybe give it them if they seem to have a stronger preference for it. This tells them that I am a person, too, and have needs and wants and not everything is just handed to them.

3. I suppose this one is similar to the last. If I'm hurting, then I will not hide it. For the same reason. I am a person, too. Rayne is now aware of the pains of having a baby and she still wants children of her own (please don't ask me why my 9 year old is already talking about having kids... I don't know...).

4. Same thing. Fear is not something that should be hidden or be ashamed of. It just makes the fear grow. Instead, I show that I can face fear and overcome it.

5. Of course, I'm not perfect. And I don't make Rayne believe that I am. And you know what? THAT'S OK! And she will tell you so.

6. Now that's just creepy. Just kidding. Everyone knows sleeping children are adorable. It means they're quiet.

7. And this is a mystery?

8. I think this might be personal preference? Perhaps I'm too logical to be in agreement on this one. I focus more on why the tears are there, address them, then assess feelings later. Really, it only "breaks my heart" when there's physical pain. I can't stand seeing those I love hurt. It turns my stomach. This will probably change in the future.

9. NOPE! I fully believe that if you do not put yourself first and take care of your own needs, then you can't be expected to take care of someone else. There's a reason airplane protocol says you should put your own mask on before helping others. I've contemplated this fact for years.

10. After Rayne, I was perfectly happy not having any more children, but then I met an amazing man who also happens to be an amazing father. So now, I have another one. The decision and experience of having children is completely based on your surroundings and support. So sure, I'll do it again.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Mother's Milk

According to experts, lactation begins within a few days of birth. Mine had begun by the time we got home from the hospital and it was VERY uncomfortable. My boobs were huge and it hurt to wear bras, let alone take them off and let their full weight pull on my chest. I'm pretty sure the milk came in at such force because of Samus' cluster feeding while we were still in the hospital. Every 5 minutes, for 2 minutes at a time for 2 hours. Ugh! That was frustrating! But I'm happy, so far, that this has been the only time she cluster fed at such a pace.

Within a couple weeks, it seemed lactation had leveled out to an acceptable amount and my breasts weren't as painfully full. Only at nights when she went longer than normal.

Fast forward to now, Samus is now almost 8 weeks old and I'm actually having a hard time keeping up with her demand. I believe my supply has dwindled, even. And I'm worried it's going to stop altogether. I'm actually very proud of myself for getting to this point, even through the extremely painful nipples and irregular schedule. I really don't want to end up stopping now that everything is going so well! By this time, with Rayne, I was forced to stop for a couple of reasons. We could never figure out latching, she ended up pretty malnourished as a result and my nipples were pained to the point of bleeding, and I had to go back to work which meant I had to pump my milk, a process I couldn't understand how to do at the time. I hope I never have to experience letting milk dry up so suddenly again...

Anyway, a friend of mine who had her baby just a few days before I did suggested I try lactation cookies. My first reaction was, lactation... cookies?!
But, yes, they exist. Apparently, they are made with a combination of ingredients that all help with milk production.
I looked it up and discovered it's why some say drinking beer is supposed to help. The brewer's yeast is the most important ingredient. Finding where to purchase it was the challenge! The Vitamin Shope is where I finally found it.


So, here's the recipe for those that may be interested in trying it yourself. I only made a half recipe (with just 1 tbsp brewer's yeast) just to try them out (they are DELICIOUS by the way!) and only just made them today, so I'll report back later on how well it does, but so far, the only thing this recipe is missing is stopping every 2 minutes to soothe your baby, then feeding your baby while the cookies are in the oven. Haha...

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Birth of Samus Oliver

Oh, goodness... Where to start?...

In the days leading up to delivery, I was growing increasingly stressed and frustrated by the many contractions I was feeling with no progress and the due date drawing near as I became more and more uncomfortable with each passing day. Anxiety was getting unbearable and I was struggling to find ways to keep myself calm which became an all day task.

At my 38 week prenatal appointment, my doctor offered a membrane sweep.
At 38 weeks, there's a high chance it could do nothing. Since I barely felt any pain and was only 1 centimeter dilated (really?! after 2 weeks of contractions?!), I figured that was going to be the case and I was probably going to end up seeing her again the following Friday (the day before the due date of Sept. 26) and talking about a scheduled induction which is not what I wanted at all. Still the battle of high hopes and practicality raged in my head.

I read that if 48 hours go by without labor starting, then the membrane sweep was a fail. Well... That Wednesday morning I woke up to the same mild contractions I had been feeling for 2 weeks, except the difference was that they were in the morning! And didn't go away when I changed position. Still, they were around 10 minutes apart and not very consistent, so I was trying not to get my hopes up too high.

I continued with my day like normal, working on an invitation order I received through my etsy store. A friend of mine dropped off some glue I ordered from her and while we were chatting outside, I suddenly felt as damp between my legs as if I had been out in the hot sun running and sweating up a storm. Alarm bells were going off in my head, Did my water just break?!, but I kept a very level head while chatting and tapered off the conversation so I could quickly run inside and check. This was around 4pm. I called Labor & Delivery and they wanted me to come in just to be on the safe side.

Turned out that my water hadn't broken (I believe it was the mucus plug), but I was most definitely dilating. At this point I was at 2.5 centimeters and stretched to 3 during another membrane sweep. At least something was working... The midwife was actually surprised to hear that my doctor was going to allow me to go to 40 weeks with high blood pressure. Apparently, it's procedure to schedule induction for 39 weeks. After deliberating and determining that maybe induction was not the devil after all, we scheduled it for Sunday, September 20th. I left feeling a bit better that an end was coming whether my body progressed or not.

The next morning, I awoke to continued contractions, though they felt a bit more intense. Again, I tried not to get my hopes too high and decided to work on my invitation order again. This became increasingly difficult as I was beginning the need to pause with each contraction. Eventually, I grew too uncomfortable to continue working and decided to rest and time them.

Around 1pm, the contractions grew much more consistent at 5 minutes apart and were finally around a minute long. After an hour of this, I called L&D (5-1-1 rule; "if you are having contractions every five minutes, each contraction lasts about one minute, and these minute-long contractions last for one hour, call the doctor or go to the hospital"). I could still essentially talk through the contractions, so their suggestion was that I wait it out a bit longer.

This continued until about 4, but with hardly any change. I was worried about a sudden rapid change/progression, so we left for the hospital. It was cute to see Peter freak out almost like you see in movies. He kept a level head, but I could definitely see it.

There we were at the hospital again. The contractions were finally showing up consistently on the monitor, though it was almost obvious they weren't that strong, but I was still very hopeful by this point.
A different midwife from the previous day showed up and did a check. 3.5... Are you kidding me?! All of this for hours and only a half a centimeter of progression? But it's actually getting painful now! Ugh! I was already upset, but the midwife pissed me off further by saying I didn't look like a woman in labor. Really? How would you know how I look?! I have a high tolerance for pain and am very good at hiding it! Whatever lady...
She did give advice to use imagery to help move things along and predicted we'd be back by midnight. Then why not admit me now?! She then suggested we could go for a walk for a couple hours then come back to be checked again. Ugh, ok, fine! We'll do that...

We decided to take advantage of a PF Changs gift card we had since it would, most likely, be the last opportunity we had for a long time. As soon as we were seated, we explained to our server that I was in labor, but not being admitted by the hospital yet, so we may have to dash out at a moment's notice and I will likely not be responsive at times during contractions. He was very nice and understood completely. It was cute to see him freak out a bit about it, too. He kept checking in on us to be sure we were still ok. We were able to enjoy our meal, decided to take our dessert to go because I was getting uncomfortable just sitting, and went for a walk around the mall. I had to stop and breathe through every contraction and after about 20 minutes of walking, I decided I didn't want people staring at me any longer (No dude in the big ass truck. I'm not bending over for your viewing pleasure. Please continue on your way.) and wanted to go back to the hospital to be checked. This was about 8pm.

Just around the corner from the hospital, I suggested we go home instead because I didn't feel much different and didn't want to go through triage again only to be disappointed and sent home again...

I showered, bounced on a yoga ball, rocked back and forth, and finally lay down to see if I could get some sleep. As suspected, I woke up for every contraction, but was able to get a little rest.

At about 10pm, there was a sudden shift in contractions. Ouch! They were definitely painful now and were spread around my entire belly! Very quickly it become, omg, I don't think I can handle this pain for much longer. This went on for another 2 hours before we finally left for the hospital again.

While there, the midwife we had seen on Wednesday checked me again which was super painful that time. She announced, "Third time's the charm. You're at a 5!" Yes! We were finally being admitted! Now, please do something about this pain!!

I tried an alternate pain management thingy (something tens) which was an electrical pulse that goes through my back and interrupts the pain receptors in the brain. It didn't work... By the time I arrived to the next room, I immediately requested the epidural. I was hoping Peter wasn't disappointed in me because he kept telling me how great of a job I was doing at handling the pain, but I was SUPER happy the moment it finally kicked in. I had to wait through a know-it-all nurse who wouldn't explain anything and a bag of saline before getting it, but I still do not regret it. This was maybe 2:30 or 3am and I was at a 6 by this point.

It took a while for the nurse to set things up (in the meantime we changed nurses because we didn't like the first), but once done they turned off the lights and suggested we get some sleep. This was at about 4:30am.

We drifted off to sleep, but were awakened to the nurses and midwife rushing in, turning the lights on and asking me to roll to my side because the baby's heart rate was dropping and my blood pressure had sky rocketed. I looked at the time to discover it had only been 5-10 minutes since we drifted off to sleep!

The midwife checked me again and said "The head is right there."
Still groggy, I said, "What does that mean?"
"You're having a baby!"
"Right now?! I didn't feel anything!"
In that short time, I had dilated to a 10, the baby descended, and the water broke.

I had warned the midwife earlier about my 10 minute delivery of my first child, so she waited until everyone was ready before having me "practice push." Of course, this practice push made the head crown already so she coached me through gently pushing the rest of the baby out. 5 minutes later, we heard a cry and Samus was placed on my tummy at 5:08am!
At that moment, I didn't care that she was still covered in amniotic fluid, blood, and mucus. I had forgotten that they mentioned there was meconium in the water. I didn't hear the apgar score. I even forgot that there was still the placenta to deliver. All I could see was her and Peter there next to me. And all I wanted to hear was her continued cry. She stopped crying a couple of times, which worried me, but she was just fine. She has 10 fingers and 10 toes. Yes, she's indeed a female. She has my nose! She's darker than I expected. She has lots of dark hair...


I had no tearing to speak of, so cleanup was relatively easy other than trying to collect enough cord blood for the donation we had set up. Her apgar scores (of which Peter heard) were 8 and 9 and the meconium didn't mean anything as far as her health. They just needed to be sure that she didn't swallow any of it on her first breath. She latched on to feed very easily and stayed there for over 20 minutes on each side. Everything was perfect.




Monday, September 14, 2015

Prenatal Appointment (38 Weeks)


This appointment was... disappointing to say the least. After over 2 weeks of very convincing contractions (most of them not painful, but some with slight twinges of pain), I'm still only 1 cm dilated and 0% effaced. Not to mention the baby HAS NOT dropped like I originally thought.

This is coming after being in Labor & Delivery last night because of the rare occurrence of a migraine (not the kind with headache, they're called Vestibular Migraines) followed by weird blood pressure readings (124/99, 134/94, 126/100, etc.). After being monitored for a couple hours, my blood pressure seemed to stabilize, though the last reading before discharge was 147/89... Still, lab work was normal, meaning there was no indication of preeclampsia just yet.

In my appointment this morning, my blood pressure was 169/94! Taken in a different location of my arm it was 124/94 again... Wth?! So, my doctor determined it was time to put me on medication... yay... I had issues with blood pressure at the end of my last pregnancy and all through labor. She wants to try to avoid any issues this time.

I have another appointment next week and if nothing's happened by then, my doctor wants to talk about induction... Something I wanted to avoid.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Prenatal Appointment (36 Weeks)


I had my appointment yesterday and my first cervical check. I'm currently only a half of a centimeter dilated with no effacement. I have, however, begun to have contractions. Saturday is when they started which made me nervous that we wouldn't make it to the Weird Al concert on Sunday. They were mild, though with no pain at all. I'm still having them here and there that last about 30 seconds, but aren't consistent.

The baby seems to be growing quite a bit! I've even gained 4 lbs back in the last 4 weeks... Definitely running out of room in there, which unfortunately, makes the movements that are present very painful... As I said this morning, the baby's nickname is now Starfish.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Trip to L&D

Nothing to be concerned about, really.

For a few days, I had been feeling dehydrated to the point of terrible headache and feeling like I'm going to pass out. This is despite drinking 3/4 to a full gallon of water each day! Yesterday morning, I had had enough and decided to take a trip to Labor and Delivery to be sure nothing serious was going on.

They hooked me up to monitors. The baby's heart rate is perfect (I didn't have a concern about the baby), my blood pressure is fine (a great sign as I'm approaching labor), and I didn't have any contractions while there. They checked for ketones in my urine and there weren't any, so despite what I'm feeling, I'm not severely dehydrated. Still they recommended I get a liter of saline via IV to catch my body up to what it needs, which I thought was a great idea!

An hour and a half and 3 pokes of needles later, I felt much better! They recommended I drink a gallon and a half of a mix between water and Gatorade. Jeeze! And I thought peeing every hour was annoying. -.-

Also, my blood sugar was only 69 and this was just after eating a protein bar. I had an imbalance of carbs to protein for breakfast (apple cinnamon oatmeal with raisins and Kefir), so that may have contributed. They suggested I try to maintain 90 grams of protein spread throughout the day which I had been trying to do, but it's very hard with my limited choices... I had been skipping my snacks lately, though, so I'll go back to eating every 2 hours again.

All in all, everything is still going very well. I have my next prenatal appointment on Monday, so look forward to another update then.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Family Values

Here's the topic on my mind today.

Family values and dynamics were never really things I gave much thought about until recently. Family was just always there. They are the people you grew up with, the people that housed, clothed, and cared for you. Later, family also included those you chose to bring into your life on a daily basis and those you chose to care for, house, and clothe.

In my previous marriage, I was cut off from my family, the people that mattered most to me. I won't get into detail, but I didn't realize how much I missed them until after that relationship was over. The point being, there wasn't much thought or importance put into family so I didn't learn anything there... Unless you count the things I know I don't want in a family.

Fast forward to now; one of the great things about our marriage together is that we communicate very well and often. It's often expressed to me how important family is and has strengthened my own definition of family. Meanwhile, I express how important it is to have self-respect and respect for those you care for and love. The many conversations we've had has taught me that not everyone has the same idea of what it means to be a family. We both have come into the relationship with very different ideas and we're planning to meld those together into what we believe will be the best for ourselves and our children.

Does this mean how we were raised was wrong? No, not necessarily. Like I said, everyone's family is different and it takes different strategies to work with different personalities.

One of the most important things to me is honesty and then respect. Not just towards others, but yourself as well. I would never impose on a family member who I know cannot support me in whatever way I may be asking. One example I can think of from my past is never asking my grandparents for money simply because I knew the rest of my cousins were doing so and I didn't want to be an additional burden on them. This shows respect.
In reverse circumstances, I do not offer to do things for others that I cannot support, either. For example, if I'm down with a migraine, I'm not going to offer to help anyone move their furniture. Or if I'm bogged down with work, I'm not going to invite someone to stay at my house when I know I'll need the rest without company. This is self-respect and requires that you be honest with yourself about how you're feeling.
In addition, if someone asks me for something they believe I may be able to provide, sure, if I have the means. I love to give when I'm allowed to do it when I feel it's appropriate. The thing is, I usually "give and forget." Meaning, I don't expect it to be returned to me in kind. I'm overjoyed if it is, but it's not a requirement. The important thing to note is, if there's a pattern of giving without receiving, at least, appreciation in return, then I may very well stop giving to that individual. It doesn't usually come to that, though because I tend to restrict my giving to when I really want to, not when I feel obliged to.

On the topic of giving... One thing I've learned from being with Peter is that you must be sure what and how you're giving is wanted in the first place! Consistently giving to someone who doesn't want your gifts and maybe outright rejects them, brews nasty feelings on both ends. I just had to deal with this with my daughter the other day when she went in her room and cried because I told her I didn't need her help with packing things for the baby shower last weekend. Turns out, what she really wanted was to spend some time with me and giving help where she thought it was needed was the way she thought of to ask for it since she loves to help out. I didn't realize this until later. Would my response have been different if she asked for what she really wanted? Of course! So, I explained this to her and she completely understood.

I suppose I digressed a little, but the important thing to remember here is that everyone is different, every family is different, and just because you don't agree with how one family is functioning, it doesn't mean it's wrong. And just because one chooses to raise their own family in a different way, it doesn't mean they're throwing how they were raised out the window.