Family Values

Here's the topic on my mind today.

Family values and dynamics were never really things I gave much thought about until recently. Family was just always there. They are the people you grew up with, the people that housed, clothed, and cared for you. Later, family also included those you chose to bring into your life on a daily basis and those you chose to care for, house, and clothe.

In my previous marriage, I was cut off from my family, the people that mattered most to me. I won't get into detail, but I didn't realize how much I missed them until after that relationship was over. The point being, there wasn't much thought or importance put into family so I didn't learn anything there... Unless you count the things I know I don't want in a family.

Fast forward to now; one of the great things about our marriage together is that we communicate very well and often. It's often expressed to me how important family is and has strengthened my own definition of family. Meanwhile, I express how important it is to have self-respect and respect for those you care for and love. The many conversations we've had has taught me that not everyone has the same idea of what it means to be a family. We both have come into the relationship with very different ideas and we're planning to meld those together into what we believe will be the best for ourselves and our children.

Does this mean how we were raised was wrong? No, not necessarily. Like I said, everyone's family is different and it takes different strategies to work with different personalities.

One of the most important things to me is honesty and then respect. Not just towards others, but yourself as well. I would never impose on a family member who I know cannot support me in whatever way I may be asking. One example I can think of from my past is never asking my grandparents for money simply because I knew the rest of my cousins were doing so and I didn't want to be an additional burden on them. This shows respect.
In reverse circumstances, I do not offer to do things for others that I cannot support, either. For example, if I'm down with a migraine, I'm not going to offer to help anyone move their furniture. Or if I'm bogged down with work, I'm not going to invite someone to stay at my house when I know I'll need the rest without company. This is self-respect and requires that you be honest with yourself about how you're feeling.
In addition, if someone asks me for something they believe I may be able to provide, sure, if I have the means. I love to give when I'm allowed to do it when I feel it's appropriate. The thing is, I usually "give and forget." Meaning, I don't expect it to be returned to me in kind. I'm overjoyed if it is, but it's not a requirement. The important thing to note is, if there's a pattern of giving without receiving, at least, appreciation in return, then I may very well stop giving to that individual. It doesn't usually come to that, though because I tend to restrict my giving to when I really want to, not when I feel obliged to.

On the topic of giving... One thing I've learned from being with Peter is that you must be sure what and how you're giving is wanted in the first place! Consistently giving to someone who doesn't want your gifts and maybe outright rejects them, brews nasty feelings on both ends. I just had to deal with this with my daughter the other day when she went in her room and cried because I told her I didn't need her help with packing things for the baby shower last weekend. Turns out, what she really wanted was to spend some time with me and giving help where she thought it was needed was the way she thought of to ask for it since she loves to help out. I didn't realize this until later. Would my response have been different if she asked for what she really wanted? Of course! So, I explained this to her and she completely understood.

I suppose I digressed a little, but the important thing to remember here is that everyone is different, every family is different, and just because you don't agree with how one family is functioning, it doesn't mean it's wrong. And just because one chooses to raise their own family in a different way, it doesn't mean they're throwing how they were raised out the window.